WASHINGTON—Millions of Americans were reportedly sucked into the vacuum of outer space Tuesday after the country’s airlock accidentally opened above NASA’s headquarters in what the agency is calling a significant technical error. “Earlier this morning, a computational malfunction opened the NASA Earth Airlock above our Washington D.C. headquarters, sending millions of individuals, cars, and livestock flying upwards into the sky and out into the reaches of outer space,” said agency administrator Jim Bridenstine, urging concerned citizens to hold tight to any nearby flora or support beams to cope with the explosive depressurization and oxygen rushing from the open airlock into the cold expanse of space. “Rest assured that we are working on a solution to temporarily patch the N.E.A.’s open hatch with some duct tape and a large sheet of plastic as quickly as possible. However, we deeply apologize for any who have lost a loved one, whether through differential pressure crushing their skull or simply being jettisoned into the unfathomable depths of space.” Agency administrators admitted this was the worst terrestrial airlock accident since 1969's Apollo 11 mission when rapid depressurization catapulted the Saturn V rocket out of the Earth’s atmosphere and directly to the surface of the Moon.
