Found these on Quora
A bloke walks in a pub, orders a treble whiskey, sits at the bar drinking it, says to barman, really, you shouldn’t have given me that with what Ive got, barman says “What have you got? Bloke says Ive only got 5p
I was home one day when I heard a knock at the door, my dad answered and said “Wayne, there’s someone at the door with a bald head, I said to my dad “Tell him “Ive already got one.”
I was in school and said to the teacher, Miss, will you punish me for something I didnt do? Teacher said no, why? I said great I haven’t done my homework.
My girlfriend said to me, Wayne, will you take me to the pictures to see Batman Forever, and I said “No, Im only taking you once”
I was going to marry my girlfriend, so I said “Ill ask your dad, so I said to her dad “ive loved your daughter for 3 years and would like to take her for my wife, and her dad said “Im sorry, but your wife can’t have her”
A friend of mine said to me one day, “I always enjoy lifting peoples spirits, and I said “In that case, put my whiskey back down on the table and leave.”
I went to the butchers and said “Id like a chicken, and the butcher said “Do you wanna Pullet and I said “No, Ive brought my trolley”
I once stole a calendar from a shop and the police said to me that Id be looking at 12 months.
I was at home one day doing my maths homework and noticed all these crosses and said to my mum I think the teacher fancies me, she said why? I said “There’s kisses near my sums.
I was at home, heard knock at door, answered it and a bloke said “Im from the local swimming baths, asking for donations, so I gave him a bucket of water.