Complaints - a Fertile Ground for Misunderstandings

Question

Council complaint letters
 
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.



Link: http://www.funnyandhumorous.com/funny-complaint-jokes.html

Answer 1

Marianne, I'm Shocked, SHOCKED at all these double entendres !  

Comments

Lol - lol - lol - that was worth the laugh - thank you T(h)ink!

I wrote down an old joke from the past times - finally:

Once upon a time, there was a war between several duchies, cities, kingdoms and countries. At the border between the Duchy of Swabia and the ancient Swiss Confederacy, though far from the battling parties, the troops of both countries assigned to guard their side against am eventual invasion by the enemy were expecting the worst at any moment. Every day, the commander in chief inspected several times the lines of his soldiers on duty and made sure that they were in perfect condition, ready to fight off any attack. But one morning, he noticed that one of the newly arrived recruits, a young inexperienced farmer's son from an isolated mountain village, stood about 50 meters behind his line. Very surprised, he ordered the soldier to take his regular place in the line. The young man obeyed.

The next morning, the commander, on his inspection tour, observed again the same soldier, standing this time about 100 meters behind the line. Very surprised, he asked the soldier why he would not stand in the line like his fellow troopers. The young fellow saluted and said: "Commander, Sir, may I respectfully report that in case of an attack, I need 100 meters run-way to reach my full attacking speed".

(N.B.: ... the "attacking" direction was not defined ...)

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I think I read about this story in "The Secret History of William Tell". 

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Lol - I can't remember, as I heard this story only orally; as far as I know, it was an old army joke.

Oh yes, Rossini's "Wilhelm Tell Ouverture" is always an "energising" pleasure to the ears - lol.

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Lol, I always wondered why the music sounded like someone was running. 

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Funny, I always thought of galoping horses.

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That reminds me of a very funny event, an anniversary at work, where we could test our skills with a toy crossbow and an apple, of course - simply hilarious!

Two venerable, high-ranking people were pictured in life-size with half-naked, athletic, young bodies (photoshopped) against a wooden wall.

Two apples had been placed right on top of their heads, on the edge of this wall, and our would-be "Tells" tried to shoot these apples from their heads. But there was a stiff wind, and the bolts were too light and had too little propulsion to resist the many, capricious gusts, coming from varying sides. Useless to describe the unexpected targets, including the posters and the resulting giggles ...

To top it all, while walking to the train station, we got totally soaked by a sudden cloudburst - another, very wet, memorable and hilarious event.

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LOL!    I bet the "high-ranking people" winced when they saw where some of the shots hit. 

And you are not the only one who thought Rossini's overture sounds like galloping horses:

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Lol - actually, I did not have the occasion to watch this old series on TV, but I read about them. And, as far as I remember, the Final of Rossini's Tell Ouverture was much used, in many events, shows and various domains, and especially those involving horses.

And regarding the crossbow fun: the bolts were equipped with a suction cup tip, and they left no trace - lol. Those which adhered were removed after a few shots.

And I don't think that the models felt offended; they tried their shooting talents too ...