+2 votes
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in Fun & Humor ☻ by


MEMOS TO A PASTOR
(Good News and Bad News for a Pastor)

Good news: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad news: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good news: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad news: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good news: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad news: You were on vacation.

Links: http://www.gcfl.net/ http://www.smilegodlovesyou.org/jokes.church.html

2 Answers

+2 votes
by

Hoaxes like the 'Scary Clowns' don't amuse me.

by

Yes, Dru, me neither - these "scary clowns" are like a pest; I suppose that you are referring to these recent news:

https://www.thelocal.ch/20161024/scary-clown-craze-hits-streets-of-zurich

or

https://www.theguardian.com/culture/2016/oct/12/clown-sightings-ronald-mcdonald-keeps-low-profile-amid-creepy-craze


Till lately, they were an exception, but since some years, this "wave" has spread to Europe and becomes unbearable. It is such a pity, all the more that clowns were and are those who are expected to spread smiles and humour.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evil_clown


+2 votes
by

@ Marianne:  from your link:

"How many points to get into Heaven?"
A man dies and goes to heaven.
St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, "Here's how it works.
You need 100 points to make it into heaven.
You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was.
When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, and loved her deep in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St.Peter, "that's worth two points!"

"Only two points?" the man says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithes and service."

"Terrific!" says St.Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."

"One point!?!! I started a soup kitchen in my city and also worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," St.Peter says.

"Two points!?!!" Exasperated, the man cries, "At this rate, the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God."

'Bingo! 100 points ! Come on in!

Guthrie is one of the few that get it right: "Now the little wheel run by faith, and the big wheel run by the grace of God."

by

Lol - this one is very nice. Yes, I read it too with a big chuckle.

And how about this one - I find it cute?


How Man Earned Longevity

God created the donkey and told him: you will work tireless from sun up to sun down, carrying heavy bags on your back, you'll eat grass, you will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be a DONKEY! The donkey answered: I'll be a donkey, but living 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years. And God gave him 20 years. God created the dog and told him: You will look after the man's house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25 years. You will be a DOG! The dog answered: God, living 25 years is too much, give only 10. God gave him 10 years. God created the monkey and told him: You will jump from branch to branch, you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will live 20 years. The monkey answered: God, living 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years. And God agreed. Finally, God created man, and told him: You will be Man, the only rational being on this earth, you will use your intelligence to control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will live for 20 years. The man answered: God, I'll be man, but living 20 years is not enough, why don't you give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 20 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years that the monkey refused. That was what God did, and since then, Men live 20 years like a man, then he enters adulthood and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying the load on his back, then when his children leave home, spends 15 years like a dog, looking after the house and eating whatever is given to him, then he gets into retirement, and spends 10 years like a monkey, jumping from house to house or from children to children, doing silly things to amuse the grandchildren.

Link: http://jokes.christiansunite.com/Creation/How_Man_Earned_Longevity.shtml

And yes, I remember the music of Ezechiel Saw The Wheel, and I have looked, of course, into the lyrics: http://www.oldielyrics.com/lyrics/woody_guthrie/ezekiel_saw_the_wheel.html

by

:D

by

@ Marianne:

I heard a more lascivious version of that joke. :blush:  God determines to give 20 years of normal sex life to humans, parrots, monkeys and lions, but the first parrot, monkey and lion each say to God, "Oh, 20 years is too much, Lord; give 10 of my years to humans."

And so it came to pass: humans have 20 years of normal sex life, plus 10 years of talking about it, 10 years of monkeying with it, and 10 years of lion about it.  :O

Oh, and the Woody Guthrie lyrics from your link are incorrect; they are not what he sings on the clip; in particular (and this is what I was originally referring to), the printed lyrics say "And the big wheel run by Faith, good Lordy; And the little wheel run by the Grace of God," which is the usual (but theologically incorrect, it seems to me) reading.  In the clip, Guthrie (correctly) reverses the big and little wheel attributions.

by

@ Hitman:

Those jokes are pretty funny:D

by

@TheOtherT(h)ink

Oh, I see; so, the lyrics are either theologically or "logically" incorrect - lol. I must say that I didn't remember the lyrics, and picked the page a bit randomly.

Well, lol - that reminds me of another joke, which is, a bit naughty and which you certainly remember; it is about the properties of certain parts of the body in different phases of life, i.e. in the twenties, forties and sixties - lol. :D

by

@ Marianne:

I'm not sure I know your joke.  I do know this one about a woman's age and geography:

1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa...virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia...hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America... fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 58, she is like Europe...exhausted, but still has many points of interest.
5. After 58 she is like Australia...everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn?  :angel: :O :)

by
Lol - an excellent one; the other is a bit naughtier - lol. :blush::angel::D

ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like Onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

Links: www.usaone.net/jokenet http://www.usaone.net/jokenet/jokes.asp?command=list&r=268


I hope that I am not causing too many blushing inconveniences - lol. This morning was really bad for surfing on-line; I had my answer ready and could not enter it; then I got thrown out. I tried a second time, and this site was so slow and finally "blocked", so I just switched off my computer and let everything crash - no need to insist: The bad series with connection problems on various sites goes on; even Twitter was "closed down for hours, and AskIt is still not responding (I checked this morning).

After a third failure, I was exasperated and dropped the whole thing for several hours.
:ermm:
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@ Marianne:

I think all these salacious jokes are the cause of the crashes.  :O :blush: :O :)

Oh, yes, I remember the one about the onions now... I think you posted it before.  :O :blush: :O :)

by
Lol - you might have found the roots of my shocking joke selection - :blush::angel::D, as I had to temper a seizure of "cynismomania". Maybe that the fog and the dark clouds added to my spiny mood :D.

Thinking of spiny reminds me of the cactus - lol.
There was a very sarcastic cactus song, and you had some on your side too, and there were also several Cactus Jack celebrities, including a Western parody character:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Villain_(1979_film)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cactus_Jack

Jacques Dutronc - Les cactus:


Info: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Les_Cactus

http://lyricstranslate.com/en/les-cactus-cactus.html



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