A Perfect Pet And Housekeeper
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, “Come on, a dog?” The owner says, “How about a cat?” The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!” The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!” The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing anything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.”
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.” Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it’s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away. The counter-tops have been cleaned and the appliances are sparkling. Even the floor was waxed. He’s absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.” Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture cleaned and dusted and the pillows on the sofa plumped. It even watered the plants.
The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!” Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.” The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later…no centipede. 20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later… no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what’s going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later… still no centipede!
He can’t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede? So he goes to the front door, opens it…and there’s the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, “Hey! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter?!” The centipede says, “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just puttin’ on my shoes!”
Link: http://www.ba-bamail.com/content.aspx?emailid=18710
And for the "couch":
Boy: Ah, finally, I've waited so long.
Girl: You want me to leave?
Boy: No. I dare to not even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of course. Lots!
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: No! Why are you asking me?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every time I get the chance!
Girl: Will you ever hit me?
Boy: Are you crazy? Of course not!
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling?
Now Read it Backwards.
http://kickasshumor.com/c/6/funny-long-jokes
Thank you, Amberleechoo!
Barack Obama, Joe Biden and Bill Clinton are driving in Kansas to visit their old mutual friend, Bob Dole, who is having a birthday party.
But before they can reach their destination, they are caught in a sudden tornado and their car is lifted high into the air. "Oh my God," they scream, "we're all going to be killed!"
But much to their surprise and relief, the tornado sets them down gently in the Land of Oz, amongst a group of curious Munchkins.
"That's amazing!" says Biden. "Oz really exists! Well, as long as we're here, where's the wizard? I want him to give me some brains."
"Yeah, where's the wizard?" asks Obama. "I want him to give me some courage."
And Bill Clinton asks, "Where's Dorothy?"
A woman walks in to an out patient clinic asking to be examined. The conversation with the nurse at the station goes something like this;
Patient: I'd like to see a doctor?....umm, for an examination?
Nurse: okay..so, what seems to be the problem?
Patient; [looking around, then whispering]...Umm, I umm, like sex toys, and I may have lost one. (her eyes meet the nurse's, then she casts them down toward her core)
Nurse: You lost one? I'm not following.....you.....lost?
Patient; Yah.....you know......(looking down at her core again)....I umm....LOST one?
Nurse: Ohhhh.....umm....okay, I see....umm....how do you know?
Patient. it's still on
"Not to worry. The battery will run down in an hour or two. Then take two aspirin and call us in the morning."
Little girl and her mother enter a pet shop. She's small and sweet, all dressed in pink, with an lovely smile and an enchanting lisp.
She walks up to the proprietor who squats down next to her and says, "Can I help you, young lady?"
"I want to buy a fwuffy bunny wabbit."
"Would you like a fluffy white bunny rabbit or a fluffy brown bunny rabbit?"
She thought for a moment, then shook her head and said, "I don't fink my pyfon cares."
With a very black "lol" - lol.