The Man's Guide to Female English ...
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
You’re...so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You’re certainly attentive tonight! = Is sex all you ever think about?
I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’ve got my period
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper ...
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re not going to like
I’ll be ready in a minute = kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix so you’d better get used to it
I’m not yelling! = Yes I’m yelling because I think it’s important
All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few purses, and those sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your check book?
Link:
http://people.bu.edu/wwildman/WeirdWildWeb/jokes_menwomen.htm
It's not you, it's me = You're a total loser, that's why I'm dumping you
Do you like my new dress? = You'd better, if you know what's good for you
Not tonight dear, I have a headache = Oh no, not again
Lol - how could they forget about the headache and "it's not you, it's me"?
The idea with the new dress - especially if it is expensive - is an excellent, less explored add - lol again!
@ Marianne,
One comeback I heard regarding the "headache": if women are so good at multitasking, why can't they have a headache and have sex at the same time?
Dear Marianne,
Even though men do NOT understand plain English very well, and can be a bit inept in other ways as well...even so, in spite of all that I do like them, I think they are kinda sweet and we ought to keep them...
Yes indeed, Virginia.
And that's why the oblique language was invented.
Dear Virginia,
I think that what's really important is the individual and not a category, gender, domain, belief, fashion or standard. The great masses are still basing their views too much on stereotypes, on certain examples and on superstitions or prejudice.
What's really hurting is hate, fanatism and violence.
So very true, Marianne...and we hurt each other SO much...
Yes, Virginia, and even well intentioned deeds or thoughts can have the opposite effect. Don't they say that "the way to hell is paved with good intentions"? But there are also many different interpretations regarding "good intentions" "beliefs", "needs" and "ethics".
Haven't we all experienced "that awkward moment, when ...", because we received a wrong information?
Marianne I think what you mention is a human quandary...and not easily learned, either. To take care not to hurt someone, and at the same time we all do have some kind of responsibility not to take offense too easily, to try to hear the other person accurately.
It is a fine line indeed...
@ Virginia and Marianne,
A thick hide also helps.
@T(h)ink
Lol - yes, but also a too thick hide can have weak points in certain circumstances, somehow like too heavy medieval armour.
@Virginia
Yes, and even with the "best filters", we cannot prevent accidents and misunderstandings.
There are indeed very fine limits between what we consider about "normal" or "super" and what we consider "inadmissible".
Marianne: That's one of your best yet!
I know another version but again, I'm not writing it here. 
Rooster, you're just a dayum tease!
@Tink : I just don't want to encourage Hitman!
You're very welcome, Rooster - lol.
@ Rooster,
And I bet Hitman knows some REAL doozies!
(Don't pay any attention to that man behind the curtain, Hitman)
Lol - thank you for the compliment, Rooster.
Your not married are you.